madamedeficit: (Default)

-Many people friend this journal expecting a glass of water and are surprised when they get straight vodka.
-I don't censor myself.  You will not be the exception to this rule.
-This is an extremely personal space and as such, I am selective in who I add. 
-I have had my trust violated in the past, and will not respond kindly to this happening again.
-What happens on LiveJournal stays on LiveJournal.

If you are willing to meet the above conditions, please comment on this entry telling me a bit about yourself, where you found me, and why you'd like to be friends. 
madamedeficit: (Default)
Amy Winehouse inquest results

So, we all knew that it was some form of overdose that had killed her, but this still made me sad. I'm really glad I got my anchor tattoo (to match hers) though... especially glad now, in a way, because I could have drunk myself to death quite easily, if I hadn't managed to pull myself back into the real world and force myself forward, if I hadn't got help for my anxiety and depression.

I know it's silly to compare myself to a dead celebrity; that's not what I'm trying to do here. What I'm saying is that, for me, her tragedy is representative of a whole generation's tragedy, and that having this anchor permanently etched into my skin will serve as a reminder that I don't want to end up just a statistic...

Mind you, when I get my Marilyn tattoo in December, my body will just be covered in symbols of dead celebrities. People are going to start thinking I'm a bit nuts. :P

x L x


Oct. 26th, 2011 03:51 pm
madamedeficit: (Default)
This is principally for my own sanity.

To-Do List:
- Get internet fixed on new phone.
- Finish Midterm Exercise.
- Dye hair.
- Go to uni, print out and hand in exercise before the uni closes on Thursday.
- Pack for Whitby.
- Go to H&M and buy jumpers.
- Pick up new winter coat from Mum tomorrow at 8pm. ( :))
- Send details of landlord to council.

madamedeficit: (Default)
Right, I know, I'm a terrible LJer these days. I don't even know what's happening with you guys because I've not found time to read my friends page in weeks, so you'll need to give me some time to try and catch up, but if there's anything you particularly want me to read, send me a link or a message and I'll be sure to read it.

In case you haven't guessed, things have been incredibly busy and stressful, but I think the worst is over and things are getting better. I'll try to cut this short:

- Family stuff was incredibly stressful but now seems to have calmed down a bit. My sister and Mum have now started speaking to each other after a couple of weeks of living in the same house but never speaking. I'm taking this as a good sign. My Mum seems to be socialising with friends lots, which is good, because the more time she spends with friends, the less time she spends with her abusive partner/ex partner (I'm not really sure what the status of their relationship is).

- Uni is going very well. Managed to get my presentation done, although was a bit stuttery and nervous. This is the most stressful part of coursework for me, so everything will be better from this point onwards. I have a piece of work due on Friday 28th, which is the day I go to Whitby, then I have no more work due till December.

- Work is a lot more tolerable than it was. I think that because I'm generally less stressed, I'm not worrying so much about whether it's going okay or my colleagues are bitching about me or whatever. Anytime something stresses me out at work, I just tell myself 'Just keep swimming' and somehow I miraculously feel better. Thank you to Pixar for their help in this situation. :P I'm still awaiting my contract review, where I'm going to find out if I'm getting kept on past December. I'm pretty sure I'm safe but you know me - I always worry unnecessarily. The good news is that after Monday, I'm not due in work for almost two weeks, due to a combination of holidays and the way the rota's been done. This makes me a happy face.

- Bob and I are good, I think... I hope? We had a rough couple of weeks due to stress, but I think/hope things are better now. We're both really looking forward to our wee break in Whitby, which I think will do us both a lot of good.

Overall, I'm coping much better. I've been referred for CBT therapy at uni, and although I'm on a waiting list, I'm relieved that there are strategies being put in place to help and support me. I've got my Poison Ivy costume ready for Whitby but we still need to get Bob's planned (he's gonna be Two Face).

Once we get back from Whitby, it's only five days till I see my girl Tori at the Concert Hall. This will be the third time I've seen her live. Slightly nervous I'll bump into Exface because he was at her last gig with his girlfriend, so I might need to look extra amazing just in case. I don't know what I'm so worried about - I actually think my life looks pretty awesome from the outside. Besides, if I saw him, it wouldn't have the same effect it used to have on me. I can barely remember what it's like to have a conversation with him. To be honest, I'm not even sure what we used to talk about, because it's so long since I've actually spoken to him, and I have no clue why I liked him.

I think that's mostly everything. I'm sure I'll think of more things to say, but I have to go get ready for work... le sigh.

x L x

Jane Eyre

Sep. 25th, 2011 10:47 pm
madamedeficit: (Default)
As an enthusiast of the original novel, I was never going to love the new film version of Jane Eyre; that much was inevitable. The 2006 BBC miniseries had come close to satisfying me. Toby Stephens almost perfectly embodies my image of Edward Fairfax Rochester, and although I didn't feel Ruth Wilson was perfectly suited to the role of Jane, she acted the part sufficiently well to please me.

From the moment I saw the trailer for the 2011 film version of Brontë’s novel, I was determined to dislike it. 'Mia Wasikowska as Jane?!', I exclaimed to my boyfriend, 'But she's PRETTY!' Before creating Jane’s character, Charlotte Brontë promised her sisters, ‘I will show you a heroine as plain and as small as myself, who shall be as interesting as any of yours', and she certainly succeeded in doing so. I was convinced a physically appealing actress could not possibly portray 'poor, plain, obscure and little' Jane as we knew and loved her. Similarly, while Michael Fassbender is a phenomenal actor, I worried he missed the roughness of Brontë's antihero, who I had fallen very deeply in love with as a teenager.

Nonetheless, I felt obliged to go and see the film, and, for the most part, I was pleasantly surprised. Although I am not entirely convinced by Wasikowska's appearance, her good looks are adequately concealed under plain makeup and clothing for audiences to suspend their disbelief. While Fassbender could never replace Stephens in my heart as Rochester, he looks the part and delivers rude one-liners with ease and likeability. The script is, for the most part, loyal to Brontë's novel. Having written my undergraduate dissertation on Jane Eyre, it would be all too easy for me to nitpick faults and inaccuracies from my academic high horse, but I understand that some changes were necessary in order to appeal to modern audiences. Aesthetically, the film is nothing short of breathtaking.

Regardless, there remain some glaring faults with the film I found it impossible to overlook.

Although Jane’s character is by no means badly acted, Wasikowska lacks the passionate spirit and inner fire of Brontë’s original character. Wasikowska’s delivery of Jane’s famous accusatory speech (‘I tell you I must go! Do you think I can stay to become nothing to you? Do you think I am an automaton?-a machine without feelings?...’) simply falls flat, lacking the emotional impact of Ruth Wilson’s earlier portrayal.

While some alterations to the plot are easy to overlook, the choice to cut the novel’s ending short, removing the wedding, seems to me a perilous error. Jane’s choice to return to Thornfield as Rochester’s wife, and not as his mistress, is vital to our understanding of Jane’s character, and to the novel as a whole. Additionally, the Rochester that Jane returns to in the film is not the ‘mutilated’ creature of Brontë’s novel, but rather, a sightless and bearded version of his earlier self, leaving the end scene somewhat lacking in impact.

All in all, the 2011 film version of Jane Eyre is engrossing, wonderfully shot and well-written, and should encourage cinema-goers to read Brontë’s novel, which is the best result one could hope for, though I suspect the 2006 miniseries may remain the preference of the book-lover and scholar.


Sep. 23rd, 2011 10:10 am
madamedeficit: (Default)
I've talked about these before, but I can never get enough of talking about them.

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1. Taming the Beast by Emily Maguire: I read this when I was just 19 and living with my first serious boyfriend. It taught me that there was a whole world of sexuality outside of what I had experienced. It helped me to understand what my desires were, and I had to spend a lot of time coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't wrong for wanting them. I'd had an interest in BDSM for as long as I could remember - I remember the boys from across the road kidnapping me and tying me up during a game of 'Batman and Robin', and liking it, but not knowing why I liked it. I remember making Ken kidnap Barbie and lock her in her pink caravan. Anyway, I'd always had this interest but it wasn't until I read Taming the Beast and watched Secretary that I learned how far this desire could extend, and began to properly seek this kind of pleasure out. My boyfriend at the time went as far as using flimsy fluffy handcuffs and spanking me, but there was still something missing. I tried repeatedly to speak to my partner about this but he clearly had no interest in taking things any further. I cheated on him several times in my search for sexual satisfaction. In the end, our sex life was almost totally dead, possibly due to his feelings of inadequacy, or as a symptom of other problems. Eventually, our relationship ended when I cheated on him again. He asked me why and I explained that I wasn't satisfied, and he said, 'I've done everything to try and satisfy you.' When I came out of this relationship, I began actively seeking a BDSM dynamic and spent the next five years getting closer to what I really wanted.

2. Smashed: Growing Up a Drunk Girl by Koren Zailckas: I stumbled across this book by accident in W.H. Smith and instantly had to purchase it. This is a well-written, non-preachy memoir of a young woman's relationship with alcohol/binge drinking, with some interesting booze facts thrown in. Koren began drinking in her early teens, and soon found herself binge drinking every weekend, as many young women do, leading to her eventually realising she had a problem and giving up drinking entirely. Her gritty memoir made me see what I was doing to my body in a way that no parent, teacher or friend had been able to. After reading Smashed, I cut down my drinking considerably and began to think about why I was drinking and how much I was drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic father and as such, considered myself doomed to have a bad relationship with alcohol for life. Zailckas' memoir made me see that it didn't have to be that way. It gave me the courage and determination necessary to escape a cycle that was slowly destroying my body, my relationships, and my self-esteem. If you don't read any other book on this list, please read this one. I am not at all exaggerating when I say that it changed my life.

3. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë: While the previous two books changed my personal life, this book changed my academic life. It was my very favourite teacher who suggested I read this for my Advanced Higher dissertation, and as a result, led me to hunger for Victorian literature. This novel made me fall in love with an entire time period, leading me to consistently choose Victorian options over the course of my English degree, and then choosing to study Victorian Literature at Masters level. The teacher who suggested I read it is now terminally ill, and I'm having a rough time dealing with this.

x L x


Sep. 12th, 2011 07:49 pm
madamedeficit: (Default)
I can't actually believe this. I found out a few nights ago that one of my favourite people in the whole world is moving to Glasgow on Thursday. My friend Lipi (who I knew from when I lived in Manchester) has been offered a place on a Masters programme in Glasgow and only found out about it last week. She emailed me in a panic asking for a sofa to crash on until she can get a flat sorted out. Fortunately, I unofficially live with Bob at the moment, so my bedroom is going unused and I've offered it to Lipi on a temporary basis, following my flatmate's approval. I am expecting them to get along fine but if there should be any issues, we can always shuffle her between flats until she finds a place of her own, and if the worst comes to the worst, Bob's sofa is mega comfortable.

This means I have three days to clear a Lipi-shaped hole in my bedroom, move out a bit more of my things and get the place into a vaguely habitable state (as it's mainly been used as a dumping ground for the last few months. I made an event page on Facebook called 'Help Lipi Make Friends in Glasgow', which horribly embarrassed her but I wasn't able to sleep last night for worrying that she'll be lonely when she gets here. I figure a pub venture is in order a few days after she arrives so that she can be introduced to some nice alternative people.


x L x
madamedeficit: (Default)

New tattoo!

Why an anchor? )

I have an appointment to get my Marilyn pinup in December, and my sister and I have agreed to get matching tattoos in a few months (we haven't decided what yet but I've left her thinking about it cause she's really excited.) That'll be six tattoos by next year. After that many, you pretty much accept the fact that you're going to be covered in them. I made Bob promise he'll still love me when I'm a 'crusty old goth'. :P

x L x
madamedeficit: (Default)

Just a quick post, as it's nearly 11pm. I was out visiting family tonight when my sister got an email from someone from her old Advanced Higher English class, saying that the teacher was now terminally ill.

This teacher taught me for four years, during which time, her fantastic teaching motivated me to move from average grades to top of my class, leading me to achieve an A band 1 in my Higher and an Advanced Higher. Her teaching also inspired me to choose to study English Literature at University level, and when everything fell apart for me, it was partially her influence that encouraged me to go back to University and complete my English degree.

She encouraged me to read my now favourite book, Jane Eyre for my Advanced Higher dissertation, sparking a passion for Victorian Literature, which I wrote my University dissertation on and am now studying at Masters level.

I always thought I should go back and visit her, to let her know what she'd done for me, but now she's dying of cancer. I have this really vivid memory of her, thin and severe in a black blazer, leaning over my desk to talk to me, pointing at words on my paper with a long yellowed nail, smelling strongly of cigarettes and coffee. I don't think that memory will ever leave me.

x L x
madamedeficit: (Default)
Wheeeeee! Yesterday was my last day of work until the 29th. The last hour or two dragged in sooooo slowly, especially since Ashley (with all the inane questions) was in charge for the afternoon/evening. I'm hating her a bit less than I did originally - we had a conversation about finding work/the future yesterday that convinced me she's not entirely vapid, so that's a step forward.

I also managed to get along fairly well with the Buchannan Galleries store assistant manager, Jody, who I normally feel I clash with. She's into electro music so I'm hoping to use that to bond with her. It was her last day before her holiday as well, so she was in a good mood, and I think the key to getting along with her is finding her on a good day.

I'm generally feeling a bit more comfortable in the Galleries store as time goes on. It's still not my favourite store and I'd always choose to be in one of the others if I had the choice, but I'm getting by without wanting to walk out! Fortunately, the week I get back from my holiday, I'm mostly in the Byres Road store, and I like being there because it feels like home, as it's just down the road from my University, where I've been attending/lived near for the last eight years. I also REALLY get on with the store manager, because she reminds me of myself. She, like me, dropped out of uni after second year, then went back to it later, and therefore graduated at the age of 25, and she dreams of taking a Masters but can't afford it. Additionally, she's an artist and I tend to get on better with creatively minded individuals.

Anyway, that's enough crap about work! [profile] jademcivor lent me her books from the MLitt course last year, so I can get a headstart on my reading, which I'll need because I work so much.

This afternoon, I'm going into town to meet Bob (he's got a half day off) and we're getting some lunch then getting the bus through to Edinburgh. We'll be staying in Bob's parents house (cat-sitting for them) while enjoying the Fringe. We have tickets booked to three shows over the weekend, and we're planning on going to the Banshee Labyrinth on Saturday night. I also have a shoot planned with Tanya (RockstarVanity) for the Saturday afternoon for Zivity. Bob's parents will be coming back on either Saturday night or Sunday, which I'm a little nervous about because I don't think I'm a very parent-friendly girlfriend, but I'm sure it will be fine. We're coming home on the Sunday and then we have the whole week to ourselves!

Anyway, I must cut this entry short because I need to go shower and check I've got everything ready to go. See you all in a few days!

x L x
madamedeficit: (Default)
How my paranoia makes me think I come across to my boyfriend's parents:
Freaky-looking whore with a crappy sales assistant job who Bob cheated on his ex with/dumped his ex for.

How I probably come across to my boyfriend's parents:
Colourful, quirky and friendly girlfriend of Bob who is working very hard to fund a Masters degree.


x L x

A list

Aug. 15th, 2011 06:06 pm
madamedeficit: (Default)
Things that piss me off just now:
- The word 'chillax'.
- The phrase 'No offence, but...'
- People who ask constant inane questions.
- Friends repeating something you've said to them in confidence, out of context and inaccurately.
- Adele.
- Bitchy people (particularly workmates) who haven't the guts to argue with someone to their face.

Things making me happy just now:
- Lie-ins.
- The smell of my boyfriend's hair.
- Cute playsuits
- Amy Winehouse's voice when I'm not expecting it.
- Yogurts with granola.
- Brand new stationery.


Aug. 13th, 2011 12:48 pm
madamedeficit: (Marie Antoinette fan)
We want to have a threesome together but we're I'm extremely picky and won't settle for anyone.

Maybe there should be some sort of application system (y'know, name, age, hair colour, body mods, sexual interests, bra size). :P

x L x
madamedeficit: (Default)
I've jumped on the Dreamwidth bandwagon. Don't worry - I'm not leaving LJ - I just wanted to ensure my entries were backed up. If you want to add me on Dreamwidth, my user name is madamedeficit, though I only have a basic account there for now.

x L x
madamedeficit: (Romeo and Juliet)
Simply to save me having to explain this twenty odd times, and also because of my compulsion to 'make things official', I wanted to offer a brief explanation of our current relationship status.

Bob and I are basically trying something we're referring to as 'relaxed monogamy' or 'monogamy with room to maneuver'. We are, at least for the time-being and forseeable future, exclusively dating each other.

So you're monogamous?
No, not in the truest sense of the word. We are exclusively dating each other but open to the possibility of casual encounters, group sex and/or the situation changing at some point in the future. Should either of us decide we'd like to act on attraction to somebody else, we'll discuss it and see where things go from there.

So you're open?
No. It would be uncool for either of us to act on an attraction to somebody else without prior discussion and/or negotiations. If one or both of us wished to act on said attraction, we'd have to have a serious talk about what we both wanted and see if it matched up. That said, following discussion, acting on said attraction would not necessarily be a dealbreaker.

So I guess what I'm essentially asking you all to do is to respect the boundaries of our relationship by, in essence, following the conventions and rules of monogamy (Obviously I'm not going to punch you for harmless flirtation - I'm still ME after all, but if you could not have sex with my boyfriend right now, that'd be freakin' awesome. Did I actually just type that sentence? Moving on now...)

I know that some of you will understand this decision while some of you may struggle with it as it's not the choice you'd make, but I want you all to know that we're very happy with our current dynamic as it works very well in relation to where we are as a couple. We have, essentially, been in a monogamous relationship for quite a while but calling it something different.

I have no doubt that you will all support our decision, even if you think it's completely bananas. Oh, and my apologies for any broken hearts out there (not that we're big-headed or anything...)

x L x
madamedeficit: (Rapunzel short hair)
Recent amusing conversations )

Epic sads

Mar. 31st, 2011 10:17 pm
madamedeficit: (Ellen Page)
Halp. Srsly.

I am at a complete loss. Does anyone have any tips for controlling mood swings? This has gotten beyond a joke. I cannot deal with wanting to stick my head in an oven once a month. I'm beginning to think 90% of my problems are actually hormone related. I wish I was a fucking boy. I hate this damn uterus and I want rid of it.

x L x


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